Doing some Thinking

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about life the reason for that is hearing so many people around me talk about the plans they've got for themselves in the near future. The one common thread of in everyone's plan is that thought in the back of my mind how everyone will move on and leave me behind them instead of taking me with them in their new plan. I know it isn't right for me to assume that "friends" wouldn't want me to remain in their life even as things change, but it's easy to always think positive. Bearing that reasoning in mind it has forced me to start thinking about how I can make my own plan for myself like my friends have done for themselves. 

At first I thought the right decision was going to be cutting them out and moving on from them before they move on from me. Ignoring them and just chalking things up to another group of people to cut out, to prove that they weren't real friends and were just being nice to me for whatever reason. I have never really had friends before, because I thought I was fine just being by myself and that once I wanted a relationship it would just happen. The only problem is that I never wanted to admit that I was never comfortable talking to people, I didn't know how to establish a friendship or trust with people I wasn't related too. I was never good at letting people I didn't already have a pre-existing connection with into my personal life. 

I never wanted to be open with people, because I always thought that I could solve my problems alone and without help. I didn't need anyone outside of my family and it was best if everyone was just kept at arms length instead of letting them in and see every side of me. At one point, I was told to stop running and talk to someone if something is wrong. I thought that the person was crazy at the time but I feel like I understand what he means now. I don't want to keep establishing friendships only to cut those people out of my life, because I feel like they will lose interest in me and give up on me. The fact that they had all these plans set to make their lives more interesting and fun they would have to lose interest in the person that doesn't share or keeps everything inside. 

I don't want to keep losing friends, because I push them away as it would stop me from finding someone that is worth seeing every side of me. I used to be afraid of everything that I didn't understand and I still am extremely afraid of processing the unknown. In the past I would do everything I could to avoid having new experiences, because I didn't want to test myself, I didn't want to grow. I'm starting to trust a process, my process! My process is about simplifying, expecting the unexpected, breathing, and finding the root of an issue. The most important part of the process is learning and understanding that it's okay to admit that you don't know how to process or react to something new. I don't want to give up on myself and embracing this process this new chapter, because I've felt like I've been here before and now I don't want to slip back I don't want to stop growing.